


i could fall for you if i wanted to

by sunlight_s



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Teenage Drama, lee seokmin is the purest boy ever, this is just pure heartbreak, wrote this instead of sleeping im really sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28925469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunlight_s/pseuds/sunlight_s
Summary: chan knows that it would be so much easier if he just fall in love with seokmin, but it's not that simple. not when his heart still bleeds from the way soonyoung used to look at him and how he left so easily.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Chan | Dino, Lee Chan | Dino/Lee Seokmin | DK
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	i could fall for you if i wanted to

**Author's Note:**

> ok so i was listening to To Love Someone Else by Avery Lynch and this plot popped up on my head and it simply would not let me live if didn't write it down so yeah, this is the result.
> 
> also english is not my first language so i apologize in advance if there’s any mistakes.
> 
> p.s: i would highly recomend to read it while listening to the song i just mentioned! enjoy!

I hated myself when Kwon Soonyoung left me. It was the worst pain I've ever felt, the pain from when I broke my ankle ligament didn't even come close.

He was just anyone's dream boy. We became friends when I entered first year of elementary school, and we fell in love at my very first year of high school. He was my first in everything. He was kind, funny, he had that power to light up the mood anywhere he would come in with his unique way, not to mention his beauty - it was breathtaking. It still is. But what really took my heart away were his eyes. Those expressive eyes of his and the way they shone as brightly as the stars every time he got excited about something. And the way he would look at me. As if I was the only person in the world for him. I fell hard, and so did he.

It was the happiest three years of my entire life. He completed me in every way I knew it was possible. He loved me as much as we both loved dancing. We were the perfect and invincible couple, the two best dancers at my parents' dance studio, and also the city's. When we danced together, our bodies would move like two magnets, and our movements would complement one another like two petals floating in the wind. It was like we were for each other only.

My parents also loved him almost as much as I did, they practically saw him grow up, alongside with me, in those dance rooms. Everyone used to say we were soul mates. He would say it was too cliché, as if he wasn't the cliché impersonated, and I never told him, but I also believed that. I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.

The way he loved me was everything I could dream of and more. A lot more. Every day I felt like the luckiest person alive for being the one allowed to receive his love. The one and only person he chose to give all that love to.

That's why everything that happened on that saturday night, on our traditional movie night, didn't make any sense. It didn't make sense when he looked into my eyes and said he didn't love me the same he did before. That it wasn't my fault, that I didn't do anything wrong. That he just didn't feel the way he used to anymore, and that he couldn't stay with me if he couldn't respond to my feelings in the same intensity. ' _you deserve someone who loves you completely. and i wanted to, you have no idea how much i wanted to, but it just happened that i couldn't keep doing it forever, as we believed it would be. i'm sorry’_. It didn't make any sense, because I still loved him hopelessly. How could it be different for him? How could it _don't be_ my fault? And it didn't make any sense when I begged him to tell me all of that was just a joke, and he looked at me with red eyes and tearful face and simply said ' _sorry_ '. It didn't make sense when he let go of my hands and left.

That night I cried the way I never did before. The pain in my chest was so great I felt like I could die at any moment. My rib cage seemed to purposely compress to crush the stupid muscle pumping blood through my veins. I remember screaming in pain. And in sadness. And for everything else.

I didn't sleep that entire night. I didn't leave my room for the next few days either. I missed a week of classes at college. I didn't go dance. I did not eat. Because everything reminded me of him. Because I used to do everything with him. And I just couldn't imagine living a life where he wouldn't be there with me. Because he'd _always_ been.

But my parents insisted too much. And then my friends. They even threatened to live in my room until I’d get up and go back to college with them. Annoying bastards. But I would be nothing without them.

It shouldn't be that hard to face college, since I was a first-year and he, a third. But we shared the same friends. Which meant that I might have a little peace during classes, but he would be there during breaks, and at lunch, and after classes. That I’d have to look at that face, the one I loved so much, and have to deal with the absence of his body next to mine. That I’d have to hear his laughter and feel my heart being trampled by an elephant endlessly. And that was when I stopped hating myself and started hating him.

I hated him because he wanted to remain friends, ' _just as we were for so long before_ '. I hated him. How could I? How could someone love him like I did and then manage to go back being _just friends?_ How could I even look him in the eye just to find that that brightness of a thousand stars and that warmth that used to wrap me in happiness no longer lingered in his gaze? How could I treat him like a friend when all I wanted the most was for him to wrap me in those arms that still seemed so much like home to me and say that he loved me, that he still loved me, as much as I loved him. That his heart was hurting as much as mine. But none of that happened.

The days turned into weeks, and he was already acting as if everything was fine. Sometimes I would accidentally look in his direction, as usual, and he would offer me a nod and a faint smile, in a polite greeting. As if he hadn't spent years welcoming me with warm hugs, wide smiles and passionate kisses. As if all of that was already part of a past long gone for him. And I hated him. Because all of that was still part of my present. Because I would walk on a half-empty world, completely vulnerable and stupid, while he would walk around as if the world had never been more whole.

I also didn't go to the dance studio for a month. Because having to put up with his absence during college breaks was easier than entering the dance rooms with the knowledge that his body would no longer follow mine and mirror my movements. Dancing was as much a part of our relationship as the two of us. It _was_ both of us. And I couldn't afford to dance alone. His absence would be too much to bear. I wasn't ready.

But life doesn't wait for anyone to be ready. Or, in this case, my parents. A new student had enrolled in the studio and apparently he wasn’t at a compatible level with any of the existing classes, so it would be necessary to hire a new teacher with available hours. And no one better to take these classes, according to them, than me.

" _it’s a wonderful opportunity, sweetie. you’re completely competent, you’ll be able to put into practice everything you’ve learned since you were a child, and also what you’re learning in college. besides, we’ll pay you, like any other teacher. see this as an internship experience_."

And that's how I met Lee Seokmin. I was surprised when I found out he was two years older than me. When my parents told me about the new student, I thought I would be teaching simple things to a child. But he could easily be part of my group of friends. And he really became one, sometime later.

At first it was painfully _hard_ to allow myself to dance in that place. But for the sake of professionalism, I had to try a little harder. I was the teacher and Seokmin was counting on me. Performing the first moves, alone, was like losing a part of me forever. And it was done. There was no turning back.

And if Seokmin noticed my teary eyes at times, he didn't think we were close enough to ask about it. I thanked him internally for that.

The first week was stifling, to say the least. My path crossed Soonyoung's way too many times to be comfortable. Not to mention all the times I noticed him watching me through those damn glass walls that separated all the rooms on the ground floor, and I had to endure the pain of a stab in my chest whenever our eyes met. I couldn't relax enough, my muscles were still tense, no matter how long I would stretch them, and my movements were closed. Greetings for the worst teacher ever. 

I went to my mum at the end of the first week of classes, determinated to ask her my resign. But she understood better than I did and offered me the individual rooms on the second floor, where privacy was greatest.

The classes took place three days a week, always late afternoon, giving me enough time to rest after college. On the first day of that second week though, I ended up being late because I got a little carried away with a nap. Seokmin greeted me with a big smile, as he always did, and a cup of hot chocolate.

"i _thought it could help you relax. you looked more nervous than me in our first classes. and, you know, i'd really like us to get along, Professor Lee_."

I couldn't help but smile and find him adorable. His concern for me, someone he barely knew and who'd left a very bad first impression, really touched me. I also asked him to call me just Chan, I was two years younger than him, after all.

And he was right, I could finally relax a little. Seokmin's company was truly comfortable, and the classes that followed were vitally better and productive.

As the weeks went by, I got to know that boy with sweet eyes, gentle smiles and honey-like voice a little better. It turned out that he had just moved in from another city in the same week he enrolled at the studio. And that, until that moment, me and some other dance colleagues were the only people he knew in that city. When he invited me to have some ice cream after class, on a hot and humid summer night, I found out the reason for that change. ' _i left everything: my college, my family, the life i knew, to follow my true dream. i didn't want to continue on that economics course to take over the family business. my dream has always been art. singing and dancing. and i used to hear a lot about the dance studio in this city, so i left everything and came here, alone. the first place i went when i arrived was there. the second was the cafeteria i'm currently working at as a part time and singer on weekend nights. it's not much, but it's finally a start'_. And I knew immediately that whatever that boy wanted, he would achieve.

A few days later I heard him sing for the first time. It wasn't in the cafeteria where he worked, nor in public. It was just for me. Just me, him, a guitar and the sweetest voice I've ever heard in my entire life. It was just as sweet as he was. His voice hitting my ears was like the feeling of cotton candy melting when it hits the warmth of your tongue. And I still felt empty, as if a large part of me was still missing, but that night I went home with sugary sweet dripping from my ears.

At some point our exits after classes became constant. I don't know when or how it started, but suddenly I had a mission to get him to know all of my favorite places in the city. And something about him made it be so fun and comfortable wherever we were. Something about him freed my chest from the weight I had been carrying for the longest time. Being with him was light, and sweet, and gentle. And those were the only moments where I could really feel _good_. I could forget all the bad things, at least while we were alone, in a dance room, in an ice cream parlor, in a park. But all it took was a distracted look in a certain direction, in a certain detail, for memories to hit me like a truck and remind me that no, nothing was really okay yet.

Or when he would look at me for a few seconds longer than he should with those caramel colored eyes that overflowed with sweetness and warmth, and I would feel the need to take a deep breath just to delight myself with the feeling of lightness inside me, but instead of the lightness, my chest would only find pain. And I would remember the person I hated. I hated him for being so far away and still not letting me feel like I could finally breathe.

Seokmin and I spent so much time together that my friends started to question. And I would reply that there was nothing about it. He just made me feel good. We were genuinely friends. But all the conversations would always end with my outbursts about how everything still hurted. And they would respond with 'i _know this isn’t easy_ ', because that’s all that people tell you when you come out of a love as the one who's not enough. It feels like there’s no healing.

But it was on a saturday night, when we were sitting on swings in a children's playground near his house, as we watched the stars in the sky with the wind blowing against our faces and ruffling our hair, and I was pointing out all the constellations I could find and telling him everything I knew about celestial bodies and galaxies and theories about the existence of other universes, that I realized the way Seokmin looked at me. As if in the midst of all those incredible things, I was the most magnificent of it all. And I hated it. I hated it because it wasn't in those eyes I was hoping to find that look again.

And Seokmin was sweet and warm, like a cup of hot chocolate on a winter night, that warms you up from inside out. And his smiles were like private suns. And his body was like a soft, warm pillow, and his touches were as soft and smooth as the feeling of silk sheets on your skin. And his presence was like an eternal spring. But I hated his caramel eyes and the way they’d glow like a supernova whenever they met mine.

I hated it so much because I knew Seokmin was _good_. He was perfectly good. Even better. I knew he could give me everything if I wanted to. And I could feel myself standing on the edge of the cliff, just a step away from falling. Just an instant, it was so easy, and I would fall for him. I could get attached to his warmth and love as a lifeline and love him with everything I got. But I couldn't.

It would be so easy, so sweet, so light, to be loved by him. I could almost feel it, like the warm breath of a summer breeze. But I still walked beside him with many parts missing and a chest filled with ashes. How could I shelter him there? I wasn’t ready to love someone else.

Spring had finally come, and everyone was excited about it. But in that night, Seokmin and I threw ourselves on the floor of the dance room, exhausted, after the last rehearsal of our choreography, which we would perform as a duo at the studio's annual competition. That would be the first year that I’d participate in it without Soonyoung by my side. But Seokmin also was a great dancer. He was really good. And our movements completed each other. In a different way, but still good.

We were sitting side by side, with our backs against the big mirror wall and my right thigh touching his. In that instant I felt the urge to let him know just how much I thought he was a great dancer, and how well he was doing. How graceful and smooth yet precise his movements were. And how he had made the right decision, that his place was right there, doing all of that. And that I was absolutely sure that he’d go further than anyone else, even more than myself, because he had talent, and confidence, and courage. And because he was perfect.

And I got stuck by the way he looked at me at that moment. I watched carefully the way the caramel in his eyes overflowed with yearning and admiration as they roamed eagerly all over my face capturing every detail of it. And the way he got closer and closer, until I could feel the warmth emanating from his body to mine. And then suddenly everything smelled like honey and cinnamon. And when his eyes returned to mine from only inches away, with the look of someone who silently begs _'please'_ , I pulled away. And then I hated myself.

Because I couldn't. But when he looked at me as if he had done something wrong, it was me who hurried to say ' _sorry’_ and explain why I didn't want him to waste his pretty time on me. 

" _you make me feel good. better than i’ve had been feeling for a long time. and you don't know how much it matters to me. and your eyes, your smile, your company, everything is so sweet. i know you’re probably much better than everything i've gone through before. and i know you’d be the best for me. and i would fall deeply in love with you. i would fall without hesitation because i know that you’d be there to catch me… but i don't think i'm ready to love someone else right now."_

And I couldn't stand the apologies that came out of his mouth, none of that belonged to him.

 _"please, it's not your fault. you never knew any of this. the real problem is me not being able to get over what happened. i know you’re_ so much _better. and i swear i’d love every little piece of you if i could. but i can't. i'm sorry."_

And the way his eyes softened with such affection only made me hate myself even more. And I could feel all his love warming me from the outside when he smiled as if everything was perfectly fine, and then hugged me, resting his chin on my shoulder and stroking my hair with one hand, as if it was me who needed comfort.

 _"It's okay, Channie."_ But I knew it wasn't, because I could hear the sound of his heart breaking when he said that.

And I hated myself. More than anything in the world, I hated myself. Because he was the sweetest and kindest person in the whole world. And because I didn't deserve him to let me feel all that love.

I wanted _so much_ to be able to give it all back to him. I would take his face in my hands and kiss the little mole on his cheek and allow myself to float in his cinnamon and honey-like scent and say how much I love him, if I could. Because it was so easy to love him. I wanted it to be easy for me too. Because I would really love him, with all my strength. I would fall in love with him if I could.

But I can’t.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry.


End file.
